Sometimes when are at our lowest when we need a friend or someone to just listen… No one is around. That’s something I’ve grown accustomed to but to this day, to this very moment it didn’t bother me. There’s no one I can call, no one i can pour everything out to because the truth is no one cares anymore. I don’t expect hand outs but everyone is in there little world and so distant so it makes me just resent everything I’ve gained for, whatever little that may be. These last few weeks have been torture on me and I haven’t been dealing with it in a healthy way. I feel myself snapping, Losing my mind slowly and I can’t take my thoughts anymore.
This fucking economy is messing with my head’ I can’t find a job anywhere that’s worth it. It has me contemplating petty theft, armed robbery, home assaults and unfortunately Im ready for it. I have no decency left in my head, moneys what I need to get out of this dump and situation of credit card bills piling up’ while I actually do my best to be a decent member of the same society that’s making me feel unfit. Don’t get me wrong ill pick up trash in a stadium shit even on the streets of NY but how can I do that when no one is hiring?
The dukes is pressuring me to help out with bills and I dearly and sincerely want to help but how can I? When I have soo many problems of my own plus now I have hers to deal with too? Na, now I’m actually wishing my father was here to ease the burden on all of us. He’s out in Boston struggling while were here doing the same’ so why can’t my mom and dad stop being so fucking hard headed and just live together for the sake of all our mental sanity? It doesn’t even hurt to have him gone and me not talking to him at all, I’m used to it but fuck’ I’m being given the role that he’s supposed to fill. I’m supposed to be a male father figure for sam, be a role model for tink and help my mom out with financial decisions that I’m just not up to. I’m so compelled to help her out, how can I refuse to help her… I can’t but the truth is.. I just can’t. Sfh.. Fml.
I know this is only a bump and that things are gonna get better but FUCK man I’ve been in a slump for the last 4 years and shit isn’t getting better. I have something in my life that I enjoy. I enjoy speaking with her, I want to see where things go but how can I if Im fucking broke, have no car anymore and have not even a phone to keep in contact with. uGh, idk what ima do, I used to be so used to being so fresh every day, chillen with my friends, having a car, having extra money in my pocket to go to the movies and just go out in general. I miss my past so much because my near future isn’t looking good if I don’t ground my head and feet. I just wish I wasn’t living in Brooklyn and id be back in my old neighborhood with friends and family, in an atmosphere im used to but I suppose things are always forever changing.
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